The TMI Lead-Up: One Day Out in Graphic Detail

One day out.


Yesterday I woke up SKINNY. It was awful and I hated it, and it immediately made me grumpy. Yes, I could see my abs through my shirt, but at what cost, jeez! I couldn’t believe what my scale told me. I looked like a penis, just skin and veins and unattractive, gross. Felt like I imagine a penis feels too. Just, like, hanging there. Ugh.


But then I ate some carbs. Quite a few of them, actually, and did a little circuit routine in the gym to get a pump, and I felt better. (I can thereby conclude that penises just need some carbs?) I sure did look a lot better too, and in my new Nike leggings that I bought in the kids section for freaking $17, yessssssss. I wonder if I have always fit into kids clothes and just haven’t bothered trying until now, or if all my new Nike apparel will stop fitting in a few weeks? Maybe I’ll just be your basic gym-girl for a little while.


Today, however, I woke up like a snake who had eaten a bunch of… biceps. It’s early and figurative language is escaping me. But my muscles are much fuller, and my skin is gripping into them tightly- perfect! Now to keep my carb levels right around here until tomorrow. I would like to thank, in advance, mandarin oranges and tacos and probably French toast again, for helping me keep this going.

Bruh, lookin’ swole! You must’ve had French toast for dessert last night too!

I’m going to let you guys take a quick peek into the behind-the scenes stuff that’s happening today and tomorrow a bit. The non-glamorous bits. The maybe icky bits? Definitely the TMI bits. So stop here if you don’t want to know what goes on in anticipation of bedazzled bikinis.


I had my day all planned out last night before bed, with the exception of my macros, which I assess when I wake up based on what I’m looking like, feeling like… we already talked about this. I’m leaning towards those macros including some tacos from the shop down the road, if I’m super honest… I’ve got a busy day ahead of me, and for real, those red snapper tacos are killer. But what it will definitely include are:


  • 0600: Coffee. Snuggle kitty. More coffee. Poop, weigh myself again (shut up, you do it to.) Excited/nervous text messages with competitor friends commence.
  • 0700: A quick circuit in my gym, just to get the blood flowing around, and the glycogen staying in the muscles where it needs to be. I think everyone else is taking a rest day, but, I’m going to just knock out a little sesh early to make sure my carbs know what is expected of them, and make sure I don’t have any sore spots that need some stretching out/moving around. Reassess the day’s macros.
  • 0730: Toes to nose shaving- can’t have a single stray hair on your bod when you’re planning to prance around on stage nearly naked!
  • 0750: Extensive exfoliating with my super scrubby mitten.
    Scrubby mittens! I’m seriously so soft. These puppies plus Dr. Bronners, it turns out, are the secret to not having dry elbows.

    I’m on the second version of scrubby mittens this week- the first one nearly tore my nipples off. What in the world kinds of reptilian ogres are supposed to be scrubbing themselves with these things, honestly?! I have much more friendly ones now. Remember not to put on deodorant or lotion post-shower so the tan sticks! Gonna be potentially smelly and ashy all day. I bet I still catch my husband staring while I practice my posing. This will be my last opportunity to shower before hitting the stage.

  • 1200: A turkey sandwich. Boar’s Head cracked pepper mill turkey, you da real MVP. Getting that sodium in so I’m hella vascular! As though my roadmap veins need much assistance.
  • 1230: SHOPPING!!! A couple of odds and ends I need yet- Bikini Bite, a gaudy ring to bling out my right hand, and a soft, long sleeved button-up top to put on after my tanning appointment later. Also paper cups for peeing, and wet wipes for cleaning up and hand washing post-tan.
  • 1500: Haircut, shoutout to my stylist Lexi, because seriously I get so many compliments on my hair- especially my bangs!- pretty much every day, so I won’t be actually getting my hair “done” for the show like a lot of girls do- my hair pretty much is it’s style. I’ll add a bit of root booster in the morning for some bounce on stage, and call it good.
  • 1730: Competitor check-ins at the competition venue, conveniently timed juuuust when I’ll want to get going on dinner… maybe I’ll just stop at In-N-Out, it’s right across the street…

    Those burger aesthetics, though!
  • 1900: First coat of my super sexy deluxe Crispy Cheeto spray tan! Getting naked for a stranger to paint me is always a good addition to the schedule.
  • 2030 (hopefully, assuming I get in and out of tanning quickly): Come home and chill in pajamas, try not to move too much and get burnt sienna goop all over the house. White strips on my teeth (twenty minutes only this time!), paint some pretty French tips on my fingers, place a few sparkle rhinestones on my party nail, and be in bed no later than 2200.

Busy day! I had to take a day off work to get it all in!


So all this week has really been like this! Constant remembering to allot extra shower time to slough off my dead skin with my scrubby mittens, daily macro calculations based on my body, and then planning meals around them, doing the right (read: boring, lightweight) workouts so I’m not looking sore and stressed and getting cramps on stage stop at the store because I remembered I need a thing of a whatchamacallit or I didn’t buy the thingamabob… which is why tomorrow’s list includes butt glue and pee cups.


BUTT GLUE. Ever been to the beach and had your suit ride up your butt? Meh, no biggie, pick it out. On stage? A much bigger deal. Heyyyyyy judges, I worked so hard on my glutes, look at my buttcheeks as my suit rides up and it’s already only 4 inches across as it is… Nope. You glue that sucker on, right to your butt. I’m more excited, though, to UNglue it from my butt. I bet it’s going to feel awesome.


Even better is going to be peeing into cups starting tonight, and avoiding all contact with liquid. Once your tan is on- and remember, this isn’t your everyday walking around bronzed Barbie sort of tan, it’s a thick, dark coat of epidermis paint- any water droplets will show up. So to minimize the risk of splashing and such, you just pretend like water is lava. Pee into cups, dump it out. Gently wipe fingertips and lady bits with wet wipes. So hygienic. Also I just realized I’m probably going to have to do this while hovering, so I don’t get a toilet seat ring imprint across my behind. Awesome. Good thing my super-light training sessions this week have left my legs DOMS-free!


Gosh guys, this is happening. TOMORROW.


I have a really busy day tomorrow, too, with my makeup appointment, second tanning appointment, both the morning and evening shows, and walking around nervously trying not to drop doughnut crumbs in my cleavage tan and all, but I’m thinking there will be some downtime where I can sneak in a post as well. I’ve been told this is a huge show, and I just know I won’t be able to sit still and just watch every single category. Keep an eye on my Instagram page, too, where I’ll be posting short updates and probably all sorts of silly random nervousness. And probably delicious doughnuts.


Pump-up time. Let’s do this.




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