What To Wear, and How Much and How Little of It

Well, things just got real.


Yesterday, I booked my tan, ordered my posing suit, and began eating at what will hopefully be my lowest macros. Today, I finally feel like it’s ok to say I’m, as so many eloquent Instagram bikini competitors hashtag, “on prep.” Bring on the tea and Extra Dessert Delights, this girl needs to be a lean bean in four weeks time!

Prep essentials. I do not recommend the cherry flavor- it smells faintly of bile.


Ahhh the tan. Everybody keeps on asking me, once they find out I’m gearing up to compete, if I’ll get a spray tan. The answer is yes. It isn’t even an option not to get that sticky, roasted Oompa Loompa, chocolate-covered Cheez-It, brûléed tangelo colored gunk sprayed all over my lily-white naked body. Twice. Of course, my Norwegian vampire hued self would never choose this particular shade for a regular day, but there’s totally a reason for it.


Picture yourself on the beach- the first time for the summer. Ahhhhh, that’s nice, yes? Now look down at your legs. Ohmigawsh, you suddenly balk, how did I get so PASTY?! My darling the sun has made your already winter-white skin appear translucent and washed out. In the harsh, harsh direct sunlight, you can see every freckle, every blemish, every dimple, every (if you’re me…) vein, but NOT, oddly, every contour of muscle. BRING ON THE SPRAY GUN! Or, you know, let the sunshine do it’s work, too, I suppose, if you’re into cancer and stuff. You need that color so you don’t look like a washed out marshmallow on stage, under the bright, direct stage lights.

Not quite the look I’m going for… not a striation to be seen

My skin refuses to tan, even if I wanted to hit the beds. Absolutely, totally refuses. I will gain a host of new freckles and a lovely and painful Wisconsin Badger crimson-turned disgusting peeling-off-in-a-week layer of epidermis. And even if I did manage to get a base tan, there’s no chance it could ever be dark enough to negate the spray. Even girls with dark skin get sprayed. No sense in putting all that work in on making your muscles so pretty and dieting down if they don’t show up at the moment of truth!


So yes. I’ll have the weird tan. And yes, most of it will wash off after the show. Some won’t, I’m sure, and I’ll spend the weekend weird and blotchy, like I’ve got a skin condition.



Happily, my posing suit will be, in stark contrast to my shockingly weird-colored body, absolutely gorgeous! I met with the designer I chose. Competition suits are custom made, in order to make sure the cut is the most flattering on your body, the color matches you well, the gemstone design is something you like, and there are options in terms of straps and sparkles, things I’d never considered! I fell in love immediately with a fabric and color, then we looked at different gems and designs, and was then was promptly felt up and measured in ways I’ve never before contemplated.


I tried a few on for color and fit, as well, and ohhhhhh goodness, I did not realize just how little those suits are! I mean obviously I’ve looked at them, in competition photos and whatnot, but you don’t KNOW until you’ve put one on your body and looked at the majority of your behind hanging out just how little it’s going to be. If I wasn’t sure about cutting calories before, I definitely was after that meeting. For such a teeny-tiny little bit of coverage, there sure is a lot to consider- and you wouldn’t believe what they cost, but I can’t wait to see my suit next week when it’s completed!

Seeing myself in a posing suit today

Essentially I’ll be wearing more spray tan than I will actual fabric. I’ve seen strippers wearing more than a competition suit. And I’ll be wearing her shoes, which I also bought this week. Five inches of lucite, purchased at an adult bookstore. Mad sexy. Get ready.


2 thoughts on “What To Wear, and How Much and How Little of It

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